I remember the first time I came out to anybody. I was a socially awkward fifteen year old boy living in Texas. I had no athletic prowess to boast, and my musical tastes were closer to my father’s than to my peers. For three years, I kept my sexuality a secret from everybody because I was terrified of being gay. I didn’t know any other gay kid or adult, so I felt lonely and misunderstood. The only thing that scared me more than my solitude was the very real possibility that others could hurt me with their words or fists if they found out that I preferred boys over girls.
At fifteen years old, I decided that I had lived under fear long enough. There was a reality show on TV back in 2001 that documented the lives of average high school students, including one gay youth; his visible gayness gave me the courage to share my secret with one person. When I came out to a friend in my youth group, I was frightened that he would make my life a living hell – and because my friend was the most popular youth in our very large church, he had the means to do so. But he did not make my life miserable; he said, “Thank you for telling me. This doesn’t change who you are. You are still my friend.”
That was almost 12 years ago, and since the winter of 2001, I have mastered the art of coming out to friends, coworkers, and family. I have told my conservative, evangelical friends about my sexuality, and I have come out to my liberal friends and colleagues. I have come out in intimate conversations and in public speeches before large crowds. I have come out to straight neighbors and gay neighbors, rich friends and poor friends, Christian friends and doubting friends; by and large, I am a better man for being honest about myself. I feel better knowing that I can be my true, genuine self around my peers, because I do not have to hide something that is a profound part of my existence. I can simply be, and I can simply be gay.
My friends remind me that I am a brave man for coming out. A friend of mine regularly tells me, “You are the bravest, most courageous person I know;” this same friend has a story of being delivered by the grace of God from a life of crime (including murder), counterfeiting money, gang banging, and homelessness. Another friend said that my decision to tell my story to a crowd of evangelical Christians numbering over 200 was, perhaps, the bravest thing he ever saw a person do. These comments puzzle me; I am simply being honest. Aren’t Christians supposed to be honest? And yet, in this society, honesty is bravery; it takes courage to tell the truth.
Two realities – one societal, and the other personal – remind me why it is so important for my LGBT brothers and sisters to come out and make their sexualities known to their network of friends and colleagues. Extremists from the far right will call us monsters, abominations, and sick perversions; their subordinates will tacitly (or not so tacitly) agree with them. The extremists are content to shove us into boxes made of fears based on ridiculous stereotypes and assumptions, and they cannot see LGBT people as such – people. When we come out, we force all our neighbors to see that we LGBT people are their neighbors, their sons and daughters, their mothers and fathers, their brothers and sisters, their aunts and uncles and cousins. We show the world that we are their teachers, doctors, accountants, scientists, politicians, theologians, preachers, dancers, musicians, and athletes. We show the world that LGBT people, like our straight brothers and sisters, can have hope, can believe in God, can walk in faith and not by sight, can embrace a peace that surpasses all understanding. We show our enemies and allies alike that we are human like them: we breathe, we eat, we laugh, we cry, we hope, we dream.
However, I am constantly reminded two days a week why I must be out and why making my sexuality visible is so vital to my well-being. I work in a church that is hostile to the LGBT community, where the parishioners will sometimes make overtly homophobic comments, where I would be fired if the leadership knew my sexuality. I do feel like I live two lives – my normal life at home where I can be out with my friends and school colleagues, and a closeted life (although the closet is transparent) where I am trapped in fear and isolation. Because I am not out to anybody in my congregation, I feel like I have no connection to anyone, for I cannot truly be myself with those people. It’s enough to make me want to leave the church (but not the one, holy, apostolic Church); for the sake of genuine relationships and my own health, I must be honest about myself to my neighbors and friends.
If you are an out and proud LGBT person, I celebrate you and your courage!
If you are a closeted or partially closeted LGBT person, I am with you. Stay strong, and may you one day find a safe place to leave that prison of fear.
If you are a straight ally, thank you of your support and love. We need you as friends and advocates.
As we celebrate National Coming Out Day, let us remember the courage it takes to speak plainly and honestly about ourselves, whether gay or straight, and let us work together to make our country a safer place for our LGBT youth and families simply be their truest selves.
Until next time,
-JC
Comments on: "National Coming Out Day: When Honesty is Bravery" (41)
What a beautiful, heartful and sincere post. It does take courage to be honest, regardless of what the situation may be. I myself have never understood what the big deal is with being gay or straight—to me, the fact you are a good person is all that matters. I wish you the best of luck in coming out to your church group. Congrats on being FP!
I keep a hope that one day people of every walk of life can love freely and without fear. Stay strong and stay you true to who you are. It’s so sad that societies can progress and yet, be so archaic at the same time.
I hope you don’t have to torture yourself for much longer at your church. If you have the opportunity to move on, you should take it. You deserve happiness in your life and it doesn’t have to be your calling to try to reform this hostile church. Good luck.
Such a strong and emotional post. I am an ally of the LGBT community. I have friends and family who are gay and lesbian and I encourage the strength they have to be honest with themselves and those around them. Keep doing what you are doing!
I admire your courage, but I think you should leave your church. If you feel fear in a House of God, it’s not a place that you can truly worship in peace. Besides, there are plenty of churches out there these days that accept LGBT members, and according to my religion, we are all on the same path, regardless of religion, as long as we continue to do good deeds.
So do yourself a good deed, and find a place you can call home.
Son of a Southern Baptist minister and alumnus of Oklahoma Baptist University here, and I feel your pain. I know this sounds harsh and that it may be difficult, but you need to find another church. It will destroy you spiritually and emotionally to continue associating with people who hate you. Be honest with yourself and those around you. There are plenty of affirming churches who will welcome you with open arms.
Fresh Pressed?! Dang! Thank you, WP, and thank you, readers!
I’ll simply say the congregation where I work is full of people who do love their neighbors – maybe not all of their neighbors, but in reality, no one loves ALL of their neighbors.
That said, I would like to be out of there sooner or letter. And I do have friends nearby who know what I walk though; it helps.
I like you people.
You are awesome. I feel like there must be at least one church in your city who would let you be who you are–I hope that you can find it soon!
Thank you for sharing this. I just recently graduated from a seminary where I had to hide in the closet. It was really hard, but I met some amazing people (who I would have never guessed) there that became a support system for me. Now that I have graduated, I feel free to finally just live.
Jim, I pray that you will also experience the freedom of being yourself, even at church!
powerful words!
thought you’d be interested in reading this one as well, from gawker’s richard juzwiak!
http://gawker.com/5950936/happy-national-coming-out-day-my-dad-found-out-that-im-gay-through-my-blog
Great post!! Thanks for sharing your story! I would really love to use this post on my blog some time. I write for college students and think it would be helpful for them to read this. I would link it back to this blog if that is okay with you??
Yes! Please share!
I’m a teaching minister at a small church that welcomes people of all…whatever. We have homeless people, ex-cons, married, single, divorced, and a couple of “closeted” gays. Is there anything I can do as “the voice” of the church to help homosexuals feel more at peace here without outing or alienating them?
Cory, you ask an important question, and I’m not sure I have a complete answer. It’s enver healthy to force a person out of the closet when he or she may not be ready for the experience, yet the closet is not a safe place. You simply have no authority to ask someone “are you gay?” just because you suspect a parishoner is gay, and I think you know this. So, you must wait until your parishoner comes out to you before you can act.
Since you are a teaching minister, perhaps you can preach a sermon on how your church accepts all people, and make it explicitly clear that you also include your LGBT neighbors in your welcome. Make sure your deacons/elders are on board (or at least aware) before you make such a statement, because you want all of your leadership to support you. The last thing an LGBT parishoner needs – especially one in the closet – is a leadership divided on whether or not the church should make an explicit invitation to your local LGBT community.
Be bold. Speak truth. Proclaim grace. Welcome all with no strings attached.
From an ally: Go you. It’s blogs like this that can bolster the self-esteem of a fledgling and to show doubters that people are just people no matter what their gender preference–personally or in relationships.
In so many ways I relate to you, Jim. I am gay. I was working in a church. And I found the tension between the two incredibly difficult. Ultimately I moved away from the conservative city I grew up in. I am now living in London. I met someone here and have come out to my Christian friends. Some have accepted me, others I no longer am in contact with. Coming out to them was a difficult process. Being gay, if your out or not, has some difficult points, but I am glad to work out my challenges more transparently now.
I enjoy your sincere writing style – no wonder you made Fresh Pressed. Congratulations on coming out. It feels wonderful to be free – you deserve it.
Very well said! Hopefully, one day, we won’t even have to identify with our sexuality – that one day there will be no more discussions about a “gay church” or a “gay marriage” or a “gay adoption,” but know that they are “churches,” “marriages,” “adoptions,” etc. This is what we work toward, and slowly but surely we’re getting there. Until that time, it takes that bravery of truth to come out and live our lives normally. And congratulations on being Fresh Pressed! I’ll check back often to see your other posts.
From a straight ally….very brave and sincere posting…I am glad that the very first person you came out to was worthy of your trust and a true friend….
hello there! i need your honest opinion..i have a friend, married with kids, who I believe is still inside the closet. should I tell him to come out in the open? what will happen to his wife and kids? another question, and I really hope you don’t mind my asking..now that you’ve confessed, does that mean you will now be following a gay lifestyle?
thank you so much!
Hi! Another person wrote similar question, and here’s my response. You don’t get to out another person because you suspect he’s gay, nor do your suspicions give you the authority to openly question his sexuality. He must come out of the closet on his timetable; with your friend in heterosexual marriage (with kids!), this will be difficult.
Unless you have actually seen your friend engage in any kind of infidelity, whether with man or woman, you don’t have the authority to ask him anything about his sexuality.
I’ve been out for 11 years; all my friends here in Memphis know that I’m gay. I suppose I’ve been following a gay lifestyle – a rather vague term, anyway – for over a decade.
noted. thank you for your kind and honest answer, appreciate it.
Keep the faith.
what a great piece, my friends and congrats on the fp. it’s a fun ride. enjoy it.
sm
I especially like what you wrote in paragraph 5.
Thanks so much for your courage. Someone I love very much was closeted for many decades, and when I asked why they had never told me, they said, “I thought you would despise me.” Because I’m a Christian, they thought I would hate! How warped is that? Blessings – I hope that someday you’ll come out at your church. It would help them, in the long run. Many moons ago, this happened at our church, and we are now open and welcoming of all, because of one guy’s courage to come out. Many old members have left, though, to be sure. Thanks again.
That really takes courage to open up to people who are close to you because there is always a risk to lose them. It was so inspirational to read the reaction of your friend to whom you opened up first, it sounded like it meant a lot to you. Stay strong and believe in who you really are! Best wishes!
That totally goes against the Bible and Christian beliefs to have such lifestyle.
God Bless You Buddy
I share you’re sentiments. I am basically fully out except to some people in my family. It’s hard but ultimately not sustainable. Or right. There is so much fear and shame associated with staying closeted, but there shouldn’t be. It’s about making the jump of recognizing the logic and making the jump to come out. It is often harder than it sounds but its very important.
Echoing the sentiment of littlerhody – thank you for your brave and honest post. I used to work for a church and it saddens me that in such a community that strives to show love to the world and its people, it can do much harm and pass so much judgement. I hope one day you are able to come out to your church and that they treat you with the love and respect you deserve.
I live life as an American citizen. Becasue of this nations liberal qualities a person’s not allowed to be hetero or gay. Alright!! No-ones really presented a truer definition of a two sided civil constitution, so here’s my attempt. How queer is sexuality if it’s practiced in un-biased manner? I don’t think higher education is for the ” traditional sexual relationship. At least not fitting for the definition of un-biased and maintaining compitence of moral. Otherwise an un-educated nation fighting for liberation of freedom. That’s queer.
Such an amazing and honest post. I hope everyone reads it and learns from it. Thank you.
I fall under the category of straight ally. Blessings on you as you continue to find your way through. I cannot imagine how hard it is to keep the real you from your church family. I hope and pray that you find a few people within that community who can know you and love you and be your personal allies.
“At fifteen years old, I decided that I had lived under fear long enough.” Coming out amidst a flurry of teenaged angst and hormones sounds terrifying. Thank you for sharing your inspiring personal story
Congrats on your Freshly Pressed… Having celebrated my 33rd anniversary for coming out of the closet ( to myself, and 32nd since admitting it to the world), I had at one time pondered why honesty about one’s sexuality is a sign of bravery. It’s not so much the honesty that makes one brave — it’s the repercussions (and how we as individuals face that adversity) of that honestly among our community that makes us brave.
One of my favorite quotes (from Babylon 5), states: “…But everywhere Humans go, they create communities out of diverse and sometimes hostile populations. It is a great gift and a terrible responsibility. One that can not be abandoned…” I personally chalk it up to millions of years of evolution as it’s a quality of survival that we as homo sapiens use to survive the adversity of living.
One of the negative qualities of this community building is it’s inherent cliquishness. The want for other to be the same as ourselves and sometimes demonstrating various qualities of xenophobia when someone is well out of the “norm” (for lack of a better word) of the group. It takes courage.. the kind of courage that you (and others like us) need to demonstrate to remind those within our respective communities that diversity is as vitally important as commonality.
It’s all a journey, my friend. Keep proudly moving on. I don’t know you, but I am proud you are in the community. Stay strong, and be true to you.
I am with you, and I appreciate your comments! Telling the truth is courageous because too many people would rather hear lies. Thanks for the post, and for your strength.
Reblogged this on lexitom and commented:
Getting it out there!
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